The Meaning Of Life

I'll preface this by stating that I do not believe in a higher entity than ourselves, nor do I wish to be lectured on the merits of a life lived for "God." God is a lazy answer for an unanswerable question. I believe in nothing. I am not entirely sure of the exact way we were created, but I do know our world was a result of nature and our subsequent lives a beautiful accident. That being said, there are still a million questions perpetually ricocheting against my skull.

I speculate over the meaning of life. If we are indeed a fluke in the cosmos and there is no deity, than surely there is no meaning to life. I feel like this is an obvious answer, but it leaves my heart empty and my head full.

I ponder then about the purpose of doing anything at all. What is the point of living if none of your actions are of any actual consequence? Of course there may be immediate ramifications, but in the great span of time the entirety of humanity is in itself an insignificant speck. I wonder about all the trivial things we argue about, all the freedom we fight for, all the causes we believe in. What is the point?

I also think about what is right and what is wrong. In a world dictated by Christianity, their beliefs are a cornerstone in all of our lives and even in our legal systems. I grew up Catholic and, even though I tossed the nonsense pretty early, I am still bound to their canons because I was raised thinking that this is the correct way to act. Well, I now know there is no "correct" way to be. For the sake of society, yes. To fit in. To be a decent member. But I want to know what is right, just for being right. Is it each man for himself? Or is it every man for everyone?

This leads me then to reflecting on the diversity of human emotions. Everyone experiences them and conveys them differently. These thoughts prompt me to consider the soul and its existence. Our thought process is much more progressed than other animals in our world and it makes one wonder. I suppose this is one of the main reasons people believe in a god. That and the inability to imagine a non-existence.

I know it may seem as if I am depressed or am just trying to get out of living an upstanding life. On the contrary, I cling to life and admire the magnificence surrounding me every day. I want to live a good life, not because if I do not I will be punished, but simply because I feel happy when I do. It is only that nothing makes sense and, even though my rational side pleads with me to forget it, my curious side wants to detangle it all.

I have so many questions and so few answers. Occassionally, I am revealed a new piece to the puzzle, but when I place it down it only leaves a larger gap. I know that some answers are out there, however confusing they may be, so I will never stop searching.

Change vs Growth

"You know how people long to be eternal. But they die with every day that passes. When you meet them, they’re not what you met last. In any given hour, they kill some part of themselves. They change, they deny, they contradict--and they call it growth. At the end there’s nothing left, nothing unreversed or unbetrayed; as if there had never been an entity, only a succession of adjectives fading in and out on an unformed mass."

I have long been an admirer of Ayn Rand's work and this excerpt from The Fountainhead has been stuck in my head ever since I've read the book. I have always wondered what she meant by this. I thought if there is no change, how can there be progress in one's soul? How can one's reasoning develop if it must never be altered? I was afraid to change, because maybe there was truth to Rand's words.

Maybe if I changed then I was no longer being true to myself. I was thinking of this because, when I looked back at my past self, I realized how much I have changed. For the better or worse I am unsure, but my hopes are that it is the former. Uncertainty has always been my forte.

Now, looking back with reformed eyes, I see that she did not have an adversity to change or growth. "At the end there’s nothing left, nothing unreversed or unbetrayed;" this sentence shed new light. I never betrayed my inner self. I have added certitude to doubt and expanded my reason, but it is change which is not change at all. I believe that Rand was thinking of change in the same manner I am now and not the way it seems to be tossed around.

I feel like my words are inferior and I am doing the entire philosophy an injustice, but I understand now that growth is different than change and I have grown it seems. It comforts me to know that, although I don't always agree with Rand, one of her wise thoughts troubling me has ceased to do so at last.